Friday, August 8, 2008

Self-doubt:

Self-doubt - what in the world is this? Why do we doubt? What would make us not falter in our faith? Are there people who live a fine life minus doubt? I do not know and I would not pretend to give an answer to any of these questions. All I can say is that there are moments when I experience great hope in God and faith in a great future abound. But times come when all seem like mirages in a desert. You look over to the horizon and see evidence of a greener pasture. “Yes, I see it,” you say to yourself. But as you move closer the mirage moves further and further into the endless horizon. Instead of giving up the quest, you open your heart and believe that things will be better. “May be I faltered too soon,” you comfort your disturbed soul. So, you move on. You pray, you wait, in hope and in silence like a lion lying in wait for its catch. Not a grass moves. All is deadly silent - eyes and ears straining to see and hear. This time you cannot miss it. You hear it - the whisper. Yes, the voice is there, someone is talking to you saying “I am with you.” Press on! Stealthily and quietly you stand arms stressed out towards the mountains like the holy fathers blessing the laity. Did I say the mountains? No, I mean, the heavens. Yes, the heavens. At that time, the heavens bust open bringing with it torrents of doubts, self-doubt - you doubt everything. You want to give up. You grope, you stumble but somehow you keep your balance. “Is it worth trying?” so you shout. You wait, nothing but your echo resounding into nothingness. All is void, but if you do not hold on you will loose your balance. Many have let loose. Whoosh! Like a wisp of smoke, they are gone. Hold on! Do not give up too soon, “for the revelation awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false. Though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay” (Habakkuk 2:3, N.I.V.)