What Cars and Marriage Have in Common by Nick Sorani (Shared by my good friend Anne Wheeler)

What Cars and Marriage Have in Common (On the Homefront with Nick Sorani for 04/03/2014, Abundant Life Now) .

(Nick Sorani is a Presbyterian minister who is in a ministry of Life Coaching.  His special focus is on marriage and families.)

What Cars and Marriage Have In Common

Most of us invest a certain degreeof time and money into servicing our car and keeping it in good running condition.

Even if car maintenance is not our thing, none of us wants to break down on the side of the road.  All breakdowns are untimely, and many cost us a significantly bigger chunk of our time and money, not to mention the hardship for a few days or weeks without reliable transportation.

Because we know this we do certain basic things like change our car’s oil, replace worn tires, check the fluid levels and fan belts.  This need for regular maintenance never seems to arise at a time when it’s convenient, but most of us still find a way to do it because we know what happens if we neglect this for too long.

The same is true in a marriage relationship, or any relationship for that matter.  If we neglect taking the effort, time, and sometimes money to invest in and keep our relationship in good health, we may well find our marriage broken down along the side of the road.

This kind of a breakdown, even small breakdowns that are repairable, can cost us greatly in all areas of our life.  Logically we know this, but I have always wondered why it is that most of us tend to service our cars preventively, and yet in our marriage relationships we tend to wait until the breakdown to begin re-investing.

Walking With Pebbles in Our Shoes

Somehow we are content to walk for quite a long time with large pebbles in our shoes rather than open ourselves up to self-reflection and work on a few habits or emotions.  This makes sense, as it is not easy to take responsibility for our actions, to lower our pride, or change a habit or pattern we have.

Most couples or individuals wait too long, sometimes their whole lives.  Yes, wouldn’t it be great if there was a marriage “Jiffy Lube” we could stop at and sip our Starbucks while we wait.  No pain, no scraped knuckles or grease stains, just a quick stop that let’s others do the work.

Of course the difference is that cars are mechanical, while marriage is between two people with patterns, systems and emotional baggage.  Nevertheless,  the analogy stands that we must invest in each other and maintain the relationship.  Below are a few thoughts, and I invite you to share your own ideas of what has worked for you.

• Talk.  Remember the days you used to talk and really listen to each other, actually wanting to get to know everything about them?  Now it’s just kids, schedules, work, house, and whatever other warning light is going off.  Find time and get back to it.

• Listen.  This should really be first on the list because if we don’t listen well we won’t be able to talk and share very effectively.  Two things: ask questions, and don’t interrupt in mid-sentence.  Seek to understand before you seek to correct, challenge or one-up the other.

• What warning light is going off lately?  Are you operating in excessive anger, frustration, sadness, confusion, or some other emotion?  Do you know what it is that has triggered or caused this?  Have you considered working with a counselor or someone who can help you move out of this place?

• Take the car out for a drive.  Get out and do something together that you enjoy.  Find and do things that make you laugh, or give you satisfaction and meaning.

• Appreciate and affirm your spouse regularly.  This is one I constantly have to work on.  This is akin to changing your cars oil regularly, the most important and basic task of maintaining your vehicle.  Write her a letter, or challenge yourself to affirm her at least once a day.  Tell him you appreciate this or that about him.   The lifeblood of marriage is to feel wanted, needed, respected and appreciated.  Too often we just critique, blame or shame each other.

Just like a good road trip, all of these take intention and effort.  What we put in is what we get out.  Here’s to some great road trips ahead! 

LOVE DARe: Day 15

Love is honorable.

Love honors even when it is rejected. 

Love treats its beloved as special and sacred even when an ungrateful attitude is all one gets in return. 

To honor someone means to give them respect and high esteem.

It means to treat them as being special and of great worth.

To love is to honor.

This means also that when I speak to my wife, I should always keep my language clean and understandable.

I should always be polite and courteous.

When my wife speaks to me, I should take her seriously, giving her words weight and significance. 

I pledge to give my wife's voice and opinion equal influence in my mind.

My wife is one person that I pledge to always honor, praise, and defend.

LOVE DARe: Day 14

Love takes delight.

In order to delight in those we love, we must learn how to lead our heart rather than follow it.

We ought not allow our feelings and emotions to do the driving.

I should choose to delight in my wife and to love her no matter how long we have been married.

Love that chooses to love is just as powerful (perhaps truer) as love that feels like loving.

If I am irritable, it is because I choose to be.

If I pick at my wife more than I praise her, it is because I have allowed my heart to be selfish.

Those who choose to lead their heart will delight in their beloved even when the new wears off.

It is time to dream again. Delightfully! 

LOVE DARe: Day 13

Love fights fair.

Love is not a fight, but it is always worth fighting for.

As fallen humanity, we enter marriage not just with hopes and dreams but also with hurts, fears, imperfections, and emotional baggage.

Once in marriage we soon begin to realize, unpleasantly though, how sinful and selfish each could be.

The storms of life also begin testing and revealing what we are really made of. Conflict sets in.

In the thick of conflict, pride is strongest. Anger is hottest. In conflict, I am most selfish and judgmental. Words contain the most venom. Unbridled conflict can lead marriage to self-destruct.

This is where love comes in.

Love helps install airbags and helps set up guard rails in marriage.

I must learn to work through conflict more effectively.

I must learn to fight clean by establishing healthy rules of engagement.

The dare is to figure out how to stay in bounds when the action heats up.

I will never mention divorce.

I must learn not to bring up old, unrelated items from the past.

I will never fight in public or in front of our children.

I will seek a "time out" when things escalate to a damaging level.

I will never touch my wife in a harmful way. 

I we re-learn to never go to bed angry with my wife.

Failure is not an option!

Fighting fair means changing my weapons! Disagreeing with dignity!

LOVE DARe: Day 12

Love lets the other win.

"The wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, willing to yield" (James 3:17).

"Willing" is the key word in today's dare.

This is an attitude and spirit of cooperation that should permeate every conversation.

I should be like a palm tree by the ocean that endures the greatest winds because it knows how to gracefully bend.

Jesus gives us an example of selfless love (Philippians 2).

Even though he had every right to stubbornly seek to be served by all humanity, he willingly laid down his life for our sins. 

I should have the attitude of willingness, flexibility, and humble submission. 

I will, willingly, lay down for the good of others what I have the right to claim for myself. 

I must re-learn not to stay entrenched and unbending even though I know it will cost me pride and discomfort.

Instead of treating my wife like an enemy or someone to be guarded against, I will treat her as my closest, most honored and trusted friend.

I choose to honor the one I love.

LOVE DARe: Day 11

Love cherishes. 

"Husbands ought also to love their own wives as their bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it" (Ephesians 5:28-29).

My wife and I are a part of one another.

My wife is part of who I am.

Our lives are now interwoven together.

Marriage is a very beautiful mystery created by God, joining two lives together as one.

I will cherish my wife as I do to myself. 

I will treat her with respect and tenderness. 

I will take pleasure in who she is.

I must treat my wife with the same nurture and care that I treat myself.

I dare to treasure my wife as a priceless gift!

LOVE DARe: Day 10

Love is unconditional.

Love is a choice.

God's love is a choice.

We love because God first loved us (1 John 4:19).

The reason for loving my wife should not be based on something to do with her qualities.

Reason: when those qualities suddenly or gradually disappear, the basis for love is over!

The only way love can last a lifetime is if it is unconditional.

Unconditional love is not determined by the one being loved but rather by the one choosing to love.

This love is:

"In sickness and health" love;

"For richer or poorer" love;

"For better or worse" love.

This is true love - agape.

This is God's kind of love (1 John 4:10).

Love is not based on feelings or circumstances but on commitment.

This is love that "bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things" (1 Cor. 13:7).

I dare to no longer say to my wife, "I love you because ..." Instead I will say, "I love you, period!"